Someone (Rip) once told me that there’s no shame in playing in a league game and doing something cool, like getting a layout d on someone, just for the hell of it. I have learned from everything in my life — from social situations to sports to school to relationships — that I have really low self-confidence, and I often doubt and question my abilities. Sometimes, I need visual and tangible confirmation that I can do something before I throw myself off the deep end with it — I need to talk to just one person at a party before I can feel comfortable in a room full of people; I need to throw a huck in a real-game situation (even if it is only a league game) to remind myself that I can huck a disc, etc. When I play in league games, I attempt to be more assertive and be more vocal, and I try to step up and take more responsibility, in hopes that I can take what I’ve learned there and use it in club situations, when I am especially content to stay in a shell and not talk to anyone and hide on the sidelines.
But I am learning that sometimes, when you demand the disc in a critical moment, you turn it over, or you make a bad decision. Everyone concentrates on the glory, but what of the shame? It is physically killing me.
Also, can I just say? I know that if you play competitive ultimate, there is a 99% chance that you are a better ultimate player than I am. You have better skills, have better experience, play for better teams, and have competed for more championships than I’ve even dreamt about in my life. But if you base your entire self-worth on the fact that you’re better at frisbee than another person? If that’s how you inform the way you treat others, then I pity you, no matter the skill/prestige gap that may exist between us.
Finally: How do female ultimate players who also have thriving professional lives dress for work? I mean honestly, my arms are so bruised and scratched up and covered in pussing open wounds that my boss is positive I am being abused by someone.