CHRISTMAS MUSIC

University of Illinois Menace / By

CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN CAPS BECAUSE I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC (note: I only love Christmas music AFTER Thanksgiving).

ANYWAY. I’m hell of getting into the spirit of Christmas now that Chanukkah is over. Back when I was a student, “Christmas” didn’t hit me until I came home from finals, so I’ve come to associate finals and coming home from school with Christmas. But now that I’m at home all the time and have no examinations, I don’t really notice that the holiday season has crept up on us. Thankfully, it’s definitely starting to feel like the holidays, what with all the snow we got in the past few days. We definitely didn’t get it as bad as the Metrodome, but it was still pretty gnarly out there over the weekend. I was supposed to help Cary shoot Shootout at the Hall, but opted to stay home, which was a pretty smart choice. Other than going out to the gym, to shovel, or to run random errands, I was indoors for the better part of the weekend. It’s not as bad as it sounds, especially if you’ve got NCAA Volleyball, a new jar of Nutella, 6 episodes of ‘Top Chef’ on DVR (in case anyone was concerned, Casey is still kinda fine, Carla is still totally lovable, and Jen is still my favorite … and yes, I still wish Kevin or fine-ass Sam had come back *sigh*), and UConn basketball games dating back to 2001 on VHS tape.

So with this Christmas spirit in mind, I threw together my wishlist for the sickest Christmas ever (as if my personal festival of lights wasn’t already freakin’ sweet enough):

Ultimate

  • A forehand. HA lulz the sad part is I’m not kidding.
  • A low-release backhand. My ass is too big to be getting that low, ya’ll.
  • The ability to catch discs in traffic/catch discs above my head. (Read: hops, library card)
  • Senor Briefcase. C’mon guys. Let’s make this shit happen. C’mon.
  • A new left leg.
  • A new right knee.
  • A new right shoulder.
  • New feet, *gasp* with real arches!

    Alright, I’m getting greedy here… enough with the wishing and hoping for new body parts. Cause that’s not gonna happen until I raid the cadaver lab in Burrill…

  • One of those slick ass black hydro jackets from Five.
  • A blue or black Boston Red Sox or UCLA Bruins cap with an adjustable strap. Or an Illini hat, orange or blue, with an adjustable strap. But I’ve got history with the ‘B’ though, might not want to mess with that.
  • Lots and lots of KT tape.
  • I wish trolls would quit postin’ on RSD. I swear, that place is as unreadable as ever. Maybe I’m just used to looking at IllinoisLoyalty, but I find RSD insufferable. Humongous blocks of text separated by ~~~~~~ and ——— and >>>>>>> … makes my eyes hurt. I like the “quote” option that IL gives you, so you can quote multiple posts in one response, instead of responding a million times to a million different posters. It’s especially not fun when you strain your eyes for that long to find the actual response, only to find it’s some stupid snarky little comment or a promotion for some camp or league. Listen, I’m not bashing WUFF Camp or UOA or whatever, I haven’t even participated in any of those things, but I’m sure that if people enjoyed them, they’d tell other people about it, and its merits should stand on its own. Ad nauseum promotion and “We’re better because we’re gonna shove it down your throat” makes me want to slit my eyes open. I mean shit, at least the IL trolls are funny.
  • New cleats, mayhaps?
  • Any of the following jerseys: An Oregon jersey (SAF), one of those black flame jerseys that UCSB had in ’09 (or something to that effect), that hell of fly red Bella Donna longsleeve, that sleek ass blue/gold Cal jersey from ’09, and the UCLA jersey from ’08. With the exception of that UCSB flame jersey, which I would classify as “busy”, I’m really into simple, mostly monochromatic jerseys. Will probably add more jerseys to this list as they come to mind.
  • Less asthma and shit.
  • Rec specs. Yo, I’m not even kidding. I swear, wearing contacts sucks some chubs.
  • Black crew socks for women. I know this sounds simple enough, but damn, shit’s harder to find than Ron Zook’s sense of shame (Arms up? Shaking my DAMN head). All the women’s crew socks I find are either white or pink, because even your socks have to be feminine, obviously, and I can’t wear men’s crew socks because they look more like tube socks on me. Good grief.
  • Exclamations that don’t involve profanity, dicks/peens/any other offshoot of the word “penis”, or people’s names. Need to work on that…
  • Someone to throw with 🙁

Life

  • I’d love for the economy to quit suckin’ a chub.
  • Plane tickets to Los Angeles, so this can happen: “It’s Always Sunny in Los Angeles: The Gang is Reunited“. Man I miss my buds.
  • New names for the Big Ten divisions, and a new logo for the league. C’mon, man. “Legends” and “Leaders”? COME ON. Shit make it directional, I don’t care if that’s not creative, I don’t give a shit. Worst ever. Don’t even get me started on the new logo, because the old one was dope and sly as shit.
  • Some new lenses, Lightroom, an extender, a battery grip, a monopod, a camera bag …
  • The 2010 Illinois Women’s Cross Country poster, signed by my best friend.
  • Otter pups.
  • Ja Rule’s jail sentence to be short. “I’m Real” came on shuffle today and that track is straight fire. #sorryimnotsorry
  • I wish the UConn women and Geno would get the props they deserve for being so damn good. Whether they break the streak or not, whether they lose a game this season or not (and they will), it doesn’t even matter. They’ve already set the standard for excellence in college basketball, and they shouldn’t need a record for people to take notice of how they’re running their program.
  • I wish my boy Bill Cole would get more love from the Illini faithful. I’m tired of reading people trashing Billy, saying he should get less minutes than Jereme Richmond and Brandon Paul and whoever else. Billy Coleslaw’s out there for a reason — he plays with a lot of heart, he’s reliable and smart with the ball, and he gives it everything he’s got for every tick he’s on the floor.
  • I wish I was good at basketball. Not even like, Maya Moore good. Not gonna be greedy. I’d settle for Kelly Faris good.
  • I wish big men (not naming names, but uhhhhh I’m sure some of you know who I’m talking about) would learn to keep the ball up high. Nothing kills me more than seeing a big man catch the ball deep in the paint, defender out of position, basket’s wide open — and then they bring the ball down. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I’ve seen posts get stripped down low or blocked by someone who had the time to rotate over because instead of going straight up with the rock they had to show off their weak ass handle. NOT IMPRESSED.
  • New reversible basketball jerseys. Freddy “The Mayor” (just swooned hard as shit, sorry I’m not sorry at all) Hoiberg jersey. Deron Williams throwback Jazz jersey. John Stockton jersey. Steve Kerr jersey.
  • Wish I could find my old basketball shoes. My basketball team was sponsored by Adidas, so we had these sick team edition white on whites that we only wore on game days. Don’t know where they went, pretty sure my parents threw ’em out.
  • New running shoes. Pretty sure that running two marathons in the same pair of shoes isn’t good for your feet. Welp.
  • Super Nintendo games. My go-to games back in the day were Super Mario World, Street Fighter 2, X-Men Mutant Apocalypse, Final Fight 2 (Cody was that dude), and ZOMBIES ATE MY NEIGHBORS BEST GAME OF MY LIFE.

And my life since we’ve spoken last:
a. Sickest Chanukkah ever, I swear. Seriously, something awesome happened just about every night. Things are lookin’ up for old Liz Lemon.

b. Got my first photo feature. Legitimately blushed when I saw it. It made me want to get so much better. Hungry.
c. Heard my thesis adviser say excitedly to her friend, “That’s my advisee!” when I was on the floor of Huff, walking by them with my camera and press pass. Love her. Glad I’m making her proud, in some way or another.
d. Took me like, THREE YEARS, but I’m finally coming to grips with a very dysfunctional on-and-off relationship. I know it doesn’t sound like a happy thing, but it is, truly. Finally gonna start shaking this kid, y’know?
e. On a much lighter note, basically ALL the responses and spoofs to the “Who You Finna Try” video make me pee myself. Sorry my sense of humor’s not all that sophisticated.
f. Cash Cab. Chicago. Dream. Come. True. Cash Cab Dream Team needs to be assembled. I’m gonna be the sassy friend who doesn’t answer any questions (unless sports questions are asked), but sits in the back and makes funny faces and witty one-liners while doling out high fives and hilarious compliments to my cabmates.
g. I think this is hell of cool.
h. I’m reverse cycling, about twenty two years late. It’s kind of a SOMD situation, because I hate sleeping in the daytime, but it’s also kind of sweet because then I’m super productive at night and everyone is asleep so no one bothers me. Ehhhhhhh.
i. Bought new UnderArmour compression shorts and tights. Some women get excited about shoes or purses or dresses (believe it or not I get excited about dresses, legit, and I get excited about very specific kinds of shoes … y’know, Sperrys, cleats, running shoes, etc.), and I get excited about UnderArmour.
j. I rewatched the UConn/Baylor game from the beginning of the season, and two plays stood out to me. Wish I hadn’t deleted it already, cause now I’m doubting whether I’ve remembered the plays correctly, but here goes:

Play 1: Maya Moore starts to dribble drive, dribbles the ball off her foot, and instead of standing there staring at the ball, she hits the deck and tips the ball out to her teammate. Potential disaster averted, ball stays with UConn.

Play 2: Maya Moore disrupts a pass into the post, ends up on the ground somehow (kicking myself for deleting it now, bah). The rest of her team is flying towards the other end trying to create a fast break situation. Maya gets up immediately, runs to catch up with her teammates. At the top of the key, Bria Hartley dishes to her between two defenders and Maya stops on a motherexin’ DIME and pops a wet ass J.

Someone said something in that huge ass thread about the Sockeye grab over the Ironside guy that kids are gonna spike because they see elite players spiking and celebrating. Well I hope there are kids watching UConn highlights and realizing that even though Maya Moore is undoubtedly the best player in the women’s game right now, she created those plays with her hustle and her willingness to sacrifice her body for the ball. Good things come to those who work.