Midsummer Classic

Whoa, I feel a little like a stranger over in this corner of the internet. Been a (ridiculously long) while, huh? I know I said I was gonna be back (but when don’t I say things like that though, right? *foghorn*), but I had two recent trips off the grid, one pleasant and one not so pleasant.

I’ve missed you guys. I’ve missed you, blog. I’m all over the place, emotionally and physically, and it’s taken way longer than usual for me to get my bearings. For that I apologize. My journey with ultimate (and life, obviously) continues to grow and change in amazing and crazy ways. I’m sorry that I haven’t had the time or energy to share it, but I’m hoping y’all understand.

I’ve been writing a LOT, I just haven’t been finishing (that’s what she said, boom) or posting. Actually, I have a number of posts backed up on here, from as far back as August ’11. There’s a lot that’s been rolling around in my head, and it’s been really difficult for me to write and finish posts I’ve already started work on. I find that I can’t really read or look at anything I’ve written after I’m done, so I ended up abandoning this blog for weeks and months while I tried to avoid working on them or even looking at them again. Jack’s Mannequin (I still love everything Andrew McMahon does) said it best: I’m on the verge, I’m on the verge, unraveling with every word…*big girl sigh* I’ll figure it out, I’m sure. In any case. I need to get these posts out of the queue, so I’m finishing and posting the ones that can be finished and posted with relative speed. So the posts may seem a bit disjointed or awkward, and it might be because I’m posting them out of order, but I guess whatever cause it sucks to suck.

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(Sidenote — I wish I was original enough to write something like that; that’s a line from a Third Eye Blind song I loved in high school. Also, Third Eye Blind was my absolute favorite band in high school and I don’t even CARE who clowns me about it. Their self-titled album got me through some really tough times. Homeboys are still all over my iPod, no fooling.)

I think about things I should have said, things I should have done. Sometimes it’s big things, like not letting someone know that I loved them or that I really appreciated them before they passed. Sometimes it’s little things, like thinking back on how everyone made fun of one of my friends in the second grade, and even though I never joined, I never stood up for him, either. (To be fair, I had only had one year of English mastery under my belt. *foghorn* Not a real excuse, just kidding. *small voice*But it’s true.*small voice*) Sometimes I think about some of my friendships and relationships that fell through, and I realize how silly and petty some of the reasons are. And even if the reasons aren’t all silly or petty, I wonder why I can’t find it within myself to forgive and forget, to apologize, to make amends, or whatever the case may be.

All of that said, how does what I’m saying apply to the material for this blog? Something’s been sitting on my chest for the past three years, and I think it’s finally time to get it out:

I’m really unhappy with the way my last year of college ultimate played out, and a big reason for that unhappiness is the one person I’ve avoided putting the blame on.

There were a lot of complicated, ridiculous, silly, and sometimes just downright stupid things that happened to make that year kind of a mess. Don’t get me wrong: overall, I had a lot of fun. I made incredible friends, laughed a whole effing lot, made some lasting memories, played ultimate across the country, and I felt like I gave the best I could as a player. But as a captain — as a leader — I believe that I failed, and that gets my goat more than anything. For the last three years, I haven’t been able to see or admit that, but I can see all of that now.

I lacked the leadership skills necessary to be a competent captain in 2010. The leadership problems I began with were two-fold. First, my mindset was completely off. I went into that season thinking a lot about me and how my career would end up. I thought about how much I would like my senior class to “go out on top” and make Nationals in my last year of college eligibility. You would think that after everything we went through in 2007, 2008, and 2009, I would have known better. My mindset never should have been on me and what I could do for myself that year. It should have been about my team. It wasn’t my last chance to qualify, it was my team’s last chance to qualify with that particular identity, with that particular roster. I will never again play with most of those players, and most certainly never again in that particular combination we had. That’s what was so special about that season, not the fact that it was this d-bag’s last college season. I’m ashamed that I was so selfish, and I wish I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Another big problem was my inability to communicate what I was feeling and thinking. I strongly believe that if I could have gotten all my teammates together on one page, we could have achieved so much more. I thought that we had a real shot to make a lot of noise at Regionals, simply because I believe we lost more than any other team in the region that year, but we had an all new set of players and everyone possessed an amazing potential for improvement. There were a lot of flashes of how great every individual player could be at various points throughout the season, and I felt like I was never able to communicate that, that I wanted that improvement for the team good and for the good of each individual. There was a selfish reason mixed in there — if each player got better, our collective shot of qualifying got better and better — but what I was really concerned about was that each player get better for themselves. I liked seeing that change in myself and in my game from year to year, and each year, I felt like I was able to contribute more and more to the team. It was something I wanted my younger, less experienced teammates to feel and experience because it’s a really, really effing great feeling, and that feeling and your improvement obviously will stay with you as you grow. But I was also never able to help foster everyone’s development like that. That was something I simply didn’t know how to do.

To give myself a tiny bit of credit, I do think that I gave my team everything I had physically. With the exception of that ONE TIME I showed up to Thursday practice hung over at 4pm and Coach Cathy wouldn’t let me play probably because she was pissed that I got wasted despite a nasty concussion and was wasted for practice (which, *foghorn*, but it was so fun), I don’t think I ever took it easy on myself. I felt like I pushed myself to my limits at every practice, and I gave everything I had and more on the field. I’m proud of that physical effort, but I think I really, really failed at being a good captain and helping my team be successful.

After Regionals V.1, a bunch of people from the team went out for some Senior Drinks. Needless to say, the one senior drink I was promised turned into a whole lot more, and ya girl was sloppy. A hot ass mess. I spent HOURS crying into various body parts of various friends and teammates. It was… not a good look. A big part of it was because of how helpless I felt. At that point, I felt like I wasn’t really even contributing as a player on the field. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as helpless as I did at Regies Version 1 — it felt like my head and my body were two separate entities, and it felt like a really uncoordinated, out-of-body experience. It was horrible. The bigger part of it was because that was my first realization of what a shitty captain I had been. I was ashamed of myself and the job I had done. I feel like I didn’t just let my current team down, I let down all the alumni, too. And that really hurt.

When I’m depressed, I believe that the only way I can be happy again is to truly deal with the things that make me unhappy (although a healthy amount of time spent lying in my room with Capers and The Fam — I don’t have a picture of them all together, but trust me, they are the best, lying on the couch watching endless basketball games, truffle fries, and eating pretty much anything I dang well feel like eating certainly help as well). I’m hoping that now I can start accepting responsibility for the terrible job I did, and I can work to make sure that doesn’t happen again.

I mean, I guess I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do about the past. If I could go back in time and be better, you know I would. I guess I’m working on figuring out how to be a better leader now so that I’m a less terrible ultimate player overall. I’m the type of person who hates being told what to do, so I figure other people are the same way. It makes me uncomfortable to tell people what to do or what I think they should do. But I’ve tried to speak up and be more of a vocal leader in “safe” situations, i.e. suggesting a play or a change in tactic for a league game. It’s silly to many of you, I’m sure, but I’m really awkward and bad at that type of thing, so it takes a lot of effort on my part to step up vocally like that. I’m learning to control my emotions (read: temper) and not let the way I feel affect my teammates, the quality of my play, or my effort. I’m trying to be someone who raises the energy level in a game/team instead of someone who brings it down. There’s a lot to learn, and a lot to work on.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, sorry to my old teammates and to all the alumni for not doing you right and for not doing you proud. I’m sorry for not living up to the name on the front of my jersey. I’m ashamed of the player and captain I was, and I hope I can do better and be a better team player/teammate for the future.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go talk to some food (preferably something with a fried egg on top, *flail*) about this.