It was three years ago on January 30, 2008 that I bust out on here, declaring that “you must not know ’bout me”. Three years later, there’s still not too much to know, but I’m still here. It’s crazy to think that I’ve had this blog for three years, especially when I sit back and really think about the changes my life has seen during that time. I’m as surprised as the rest of you that a. I’ve continued to keep this blog going for as long as I have, and b. people have wanted to read any of it.
I don’t get much feedback on what I write, unless I piss people off or I get something wrong, and then I get an earful about it. But for the most part, this blog is pretty one-way: I write what I want, and to be honest, I probably write more for myself than I write for a “reading public”, which is probably why so many of my posts come off as irrelevant, long-winded, and lacking in any sort of clarity. And for that, I really need to say thank you to everyone who’s read this, enjoyed it, and passed it on. Thanks for sticking by my sometimes idiotic, all the time ludicrous, amateur blog when there are actual high quality, ultimate-centric blogs out there. Those coaches (among other writers) write great, informative content as opposed to, you know, lists of cute girls or stories about airport misadventures or rundowns of long, hilarious days. I apologize for my lack of ultimate aptitude, and I hope that you don’t come here disappointed when you don’t see something about strategy, or anything of that nature. That’s not who I am at all — I’m not skilled enough at ultimate nor have I been around the sport long enough to be able to write about the X’s and O’s. I’d only come off as (more of a) doucher, so I talk about what I do know — my experiences and my observations. My hope is that readers can read what I write and relate to it — relate to the things I’ve been through, the things I’ve done, and the feelings I’ve felt. Ultimately, I hope reading what I write makes you think about your own experiences and it makes you smile.
I’m not gonna write something new and sappy to commemorate the past three years, so I’ll fall back on old sappy things. My favorite posts of the last three years (in reverse chrono-order):
- In the Company of Greatness: Alright, I’m beginning to feel like a farce. The first “favorite” post in my list is about basketball and not even about ultimate. Eek. you won’t like my next choice, either, but it is what it is. Anyway.
This post means a lot to me because of what UConn basketball means to me. I think you all don’t have the patience to sit through another one of my UConn love letters, so I won’t launch into one of those, but it was big when UConn won 88 in a row. It was big. And it was even better that 88 came at the Maggie Dixon Classic, at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena, in front of a sell-out crowd. Pretty magical.
Also, even though I got pretty heated about some of the stuff that people were saying, I thought I did a pretty decent job of not blowing a gasket. I mean, I couldn’t help but include some snarkiness, some immature comments and immature behavior in there, but I thought it was one of my tamer call-outs.
- Hold My Heart: Alright, I’m definitely not a legit ultimate writer. Second favorite post and it’s also not about ultimate. Whoops. But this is actually one of my most popular posts of all time. I’ve gotten a lot of hits for this post, mostly from people who care nothing about ultimate, which is pretty dang cool. In any case, the inspiration for the title came from the Sara Bareilles song of the same title. It was an album I was getting into right around the time that Laura DeBruler, a player on the Illinois Volleyball team, tore her ACL and ended her career in an Illinois uniform. The story really hit home hard for me, because I remember what it felt like, being a senior, fighting for the chance to go out on top. My “injury” wasn’t season- or career-ending like hers was, but I remember how getting “injured” at such a critical junction in my season and my career made me feel a little helpless.
Not to mention, I’m just a big fan of that team, and a big sports fan in general. Stories like that, especially when they involve teams and players that you’re emotionally invested in, really tug at the heart strings. No one likes to hear about a great kid who put in so much work and has meant so much to a program go down like that. That’s not the way storybooks are written, and that’s not the way champions are supposed to go out. She was supposed to have a pretty good shot at going out with a championship, but she didn’t even get the chance to compete for it. It just didn’t seem fair, and it really resonated with me, not just as a fan but as an athlete. Anyway, writing the post got pretty emotional, and the Sara song felt right to describe how I felt about the post and about the whole situation.
- Winning is a Culture: This post (and the subsequent “series”) means a lot to me not just as an ultimate player, but as an athlete in general, and as a person, too. It’s my team philosophy, it’s my outlook on how a team should be run. More than that though I think it’s my “sporting philosophy” — it’s how I think sports should be played, how I think kids should be taught how to play. Ever since I was but a wee one playing league ball at McGuane, I was constantly making a list of things in my head that I liked and didn’t like, things that I wanted to do and things I never wanted to do, basketball-, sport-, and life-wise. I don’t know, I’ve always been brought up to do the right thing, do things the right way every time. It’s important to me, and this series is my attempt at getting down all those thoughts, or at least some of them, for the day that some idiot administration makes the mistake of hiring me as a coach.
- Motivation: Aha! The first hint of an ultimate-related post! But no, seriously. I wrote this post one night after tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep. I lay there thinking about practice that weekend, and the practice that was coming up on Tuesday night. I thought about the work that everyone was putting in, and I thought back to some of the toughest and yet happiest times of my life — the work and the struggle that was my junior season — and I thought to myself, “Man, why not us?” Everyone expects Nemesis and Pop to make it out of the Central, but I didn’t see why we couldn’t make it. I just wanted to shock everyone, to come out and play hard and play to the level I knew we were capable of playing to, and I really decided that night that as long as I’m living in Chicago and playing ultimate, I wanted to play with Spicy until we made Nationals together. On a more personal level, I didn’t see why I couldn’t eventually work myself up to a level where I could actually compete at Club Nationals. In every sport I’ve ever played, I’ve always been terrible or I’ve always been told that I couldn’t do it. I was always too short to play basketball, too asthmatic for cross country, too AWESOME to play goalie (for the T-Cats), too slow/short to be a receiver, too slow/short to be a good defender, too heady/too mechanically-deficient to be a good handler… always lacking something, never good enough. But I didn’t see why I couldn’t make myself faster, couldn’t work out the kinks, couldn’t make myself tougher and stronger. That’s what I like about ultimate — there are just as many short people who are great as there are tall people who are great. That was the night I decided that hey man, if you can dream something you can do it, and you just need to work for it. If I never achieved that goal or dream, then at least I’d have worked for it. I had to get out of bed to write that so I wouldn’t forget in the morning, or ever.
- Ultimate Things: Just another series of posts borne of my ultimate nostalgia. It’s fun to look back on sometimes when I’m feeling that type of way. Nice to laugh, nice to tear up a little. More than anything it’s nice to remember that those good times happened.
- Statue of Liberty: It’s hard to use words to describe a relationship that means so much to you. I’m sure all of you know what I’m talking about. It’s a connection, a friendship, a bond, and even though it was made stronger by being teammates, it extends beyond the field of play. That’s what I miss the most about being on a team and playing ultimate with people I love.
- These Last Few Years Been a Haze Like Isaac: Ha, funny that this should make it on this list, since both the title of this post and the title of that post were inspired by the same song. I’m predictable, what can I say. Anyway, this post took me a long, long, long time to write. I can’t even remember how long it took me, that’s how long I worked on it. It was an emotional journey, from beginning to end. Sitting there, dredging up all the good and bad memories that comprised my career, all the tournaments and the people and the laughs and the tears. I had to take several breaks from writing it because I’d get too emotional to continue writing for the day/night (sorry I’m sensitive), but in the end, reading the whole thing was rewarding, and it was just fun. It was just me trying to take a step towards closing out a huge, important chapter of my life.
- Everything You Need is Already Inside: Kelly Foster once told me that this was my “greatest post ever”, despite the fact that a. I contribute NOTHING original to the post, and b. it’s just videos. Maybe silence really is golden.
- Champions: My squad. I couldn’t have been prouder, honestly. 😀
- Many the Miles: This was a tribute to my friends, the friends I learned from and learned with. As I mention in that post, I had a different relationship with the ’09 senior class than I did with any of the ones preceding it, just because we had played together for so long and we were so close in age. I’ve only had one older sister figure in my life (my cousin Jennifer), and then I went to college and had several older sisters. It was hard to say goodbye to them, since everyone is spread out all over the country and the world, but I’m really lucky to have had them in my life. Definitely took that for granted.
- I Mean, I’ve Had Better Practices: Ha, I like this post a lot just because of the sheer ridiculousness of it all — the post, that practice, all the hijinks that occurred after it. As difficult and trying as last season was, man we had some fun times, some real laughers, and some real gut-busters. I also liked when I could share my hilarious misadventures with everyone, like I did with Longest Day Ever and “I promise I won’t cry.”, just because I think people think I’m lying or making stuff up when I tell them how much of a shit show my life is. I couldn’t make that stuff up. All of it is real, and all of my life is a mess. Dead ass.
- The Way I Are: Just kinda makes me feel tingly on the inside. My JSA experience means so much to me — it changed my life (both times, in different ways). The friends I made there will be my friends for life, and the lessons I’ve learned still reverberate with me in a big way. It’s funny to think that in real-life “combined time”, I’ve only spent a month or two months of my whole life with these people, and yet I consider them to be some of my closest friends. I’ve learned that I’ll never have the words to really describe that experience or what it meant to me, so I just leave it at pictures, and looking at them just makes me feel some type of way.
- Ubuntu: Writing this post just before Regionals ’09 was cathartic. It was my effort at refocusing myself, trying to get my emotions in order, my mind in the right place. It was a way to remind myself of what I was fighting for, I guess, giving myself something to chew on when I thought I couldn’t give any more or when I started to get down on myself.
- My Dreaming Broke the Ceiling: I remember this post well. I didn’t really cry very hard at the fields. I think it hit me somewhere between Michigan and Illinois, because I cried in the van and lost one of my contacts, due to my crying. We got home to Champaign pretty late, because both my roommates were asleep when I got back. I set my things down and started working on some paper or homework or whatever I had to do before my 8am on Monday. I realized that I was totally distracted and incapable of being productive. I gave Margaret a call and we talked on the phone for what seemed like hours about how the season ended, how next season would go, etc. After we hung up I still wasn’t feeling the relief I was searching for, so I went back into my room and started writing this post. It took me all night to write. I finished at something like 6:30 in the morning, when I finally got up to shower and change out of my jersey. I finished my paper or homework or whatever it was, and headed to class by 8. I still think a lot about that season and how it ended, and I’m not sure I’ve figured out what I need for “closure” yet. Nationals ’09 was pretty good, but it still feels … I don’t know, a little raw.
Some of my favorite posts have been those that I’ve never published. This may come off as a surprise to you all, because I’m so long-winded and so prone to, uh, over-sharing, but I find it incredibly difficult to write about events, ideas, things, people, etc. that I feel very strongly about or feel very deeply about. That’s why I haven’t written in-depth about so many things that mean so much to me, like the marathon, or JSA (lawl if you think I’ve already gotten too in-depth), or last season, or my family, among other things. That’s not to say that the ones I have gotten around to writing and publishing aren’t just as special or important to me, it’s just that I’ve found a way to write and finish them.
The take-away point of that whole spiel, I guess, is that over the course of the last three years, mercurial and tumultuous as they have been, the one constant recorded here in this blog has been my attempt to stay honest in my writing. (Although I will also honestly admit that I’ve phoned in more than a couple posts … and yikes to those sad, sad efforts. Also sorry that you had to read them…) My goal with writing for the rest of my life, both blog-related and otherwise, is to keep putting out something honest, something true to what I feel, what I believe, and who I am.
You’ve called me out when I’ve deserved it, and y’know, as much as I bristle at getting called out, in the end I realize I’ve deserved it. You’ve read posts about volleyball and basketball, and heck, you’ve even put up with bad posts about nothing at all. You’ve partook in all my silly polls, and you’ve responded when you’ve read something you’ve liked — not necessarily verbally (can I say verbally if what I really mean is by commenting or e-mailing or something along those lines?), but by continuing to come back. This has truly been one of the cooler things I’ve ever done in my life, and it’s so awesome that not only do I get the chance to document things I experience, but I get to share it with people. So again: thank you for reading, and thanks for your support.
Without getting all mushy (because I think I’ve done enough of that already for one post :P), I’ve been through a lot the past three years, both good and bad. And to those of you that stuck by me, stuck up for me, and stuck your shoulder out for me, I appreciate it.
Here’s to at least three more good years (yikes).
